stillborn – Amazsage Therapies

Written by Seema Parmar

Days, weeks and months and years following a loss can be emotionally difficult and painful. It is completely okay to feel sadness, shock, depression, grief, anger and resentment when experiencing baby loss.

As time passes by and you begin to commence with normal life, everyone reacts differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel. We all digest and manage our emotions differently.

Accept your feelings: whatever your emotions are, know that the loss somehow was not your fault. Instead of judging or blaming yourself, try to talk to honestly and openly to your partner and other people who can offer support around you.

Give yourself time: don’t push yourself to stop feeling your emotions. Often people will say many things, but only you know how you can deal with grief. It may take some time before you pick yourself up again and it is absolutely fine to take things in your own time.

Take time off work: taking some time away from your daily jobs may help you to come to terms with what has happened. Taking a break from regular routine will give you the chance to reflect and be positive and get support from others.

Grief: your partner may not seem to be affected by loss or may support you throughout the whole experience. Some are able to express themselves whilst others may deal with sadness and grief on their own. Whichever way they take, know that they also need that space for you to hold and help one another.

Sharing your story: talking to other people may help you feel less alone and you may be surprised how many families, friends, work colleagues may have stories of their own. Many people are frightened by emotions and sadness and simply do not know what to say or do when you lose a baby. Don’t be disheartened when they could be avoiding you or ignoring you.

Get support: accept offers of emotional or practical support, set up memory pages such as a justgiving page, memory box, joining local support groups or something to help you to mark the loss and help you get support from others.

Types of baby loss

Sadly, some babies are lost during pregnancy, birth or shortly afterwards. Whatever the reason, we can provide support and information for anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or termination for medical reasons.

Miscarriage

A miscarriage is legally defined as the loss of a baby during the first 24 weeks of pregnancy gestation. Going through a miscarriage can be extremely difficult. Losing a baby is deeply a personal experience that affects people differently, no matter when in your pregnancy you miscarry, you may need help to come to terms with what has happened. Miscarriages are often referred to as early or late miscarriage as well as missed miscarriages.

Early miscarriage early miscarriage is one that happens in the first 3 months of gestation and are very common. Most of the time, a woman may not even realise she is pregnant when this happens.

A late miscarriage is one that happens after the first three months of gestation, but before 24 weeks of the second trimester. If a baby dies at or after 24 weeks, this is called a stillbirth.

It is very hard to understand why a very late loss is called a miscarriage rather than a stillbirth but from a legal perspective, a baby is thought to have a good chance of survival if they are born alive after 24 weeks.

Did you know that up to 1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime? Many of these go unreported and also unnoticed.

What are the symptoms?

Bleeding
The most common sign of miscarriage is vaginal bleeding. It can vary from light spotting or bleeding without pain before 12 weeks. This doesn’t always mean a miscarriage but if this does happen, please contact your midwife or hospital straight away.
Cramping and pain in lower abdomen
A discharge or fluid from your vagina
A discharge of tissue from your vagina
No longer experiencing pregnancy symptoms such as feeling sick or tender breasts.

Recurrent Miscarriage

If you have three or more miscarriages consecutively, this is called recurrent miscarriages, you should be referred to a specialist doctor such as a gynaecologist. Around one woman in 100 experiences recurrent miscarriages. Testing can involve blood tests for antiphospholipid syndrome (APS), which is antibodies chemicals our bodies produce to fight infection. You and your partner can be checked for chromosome abnormalities called karyotyping and if any problems are addressed, you would be referred to clinical genetics’ specialists.

Can you prevent miscarriage?

We don’t always know why miscarriages happen, which makes it even more difficult to prevent them. It is important to know that miscarriages rarely happen because of something you did or didn’t do. And it’s important to remember that there is nothing you can do that will guarantee that you won’t have a miscarriage.

Sometimes, your doctor may be able to offer some tests and most people do use a fertility clinic or private services to get the help and support they need.

There are various other types of baby loss such as ectopic pregnancy, gestational trophoblastic disease, stillborn, molar pregnancy, early years and neonatal, termination for medical reasons and there is a lot of support you can get.

Ectopic pregnancy

An ectopic pregnancy is when a fertilised egg implants outside of your womb, most commonly in the fallopian tube, This is a serious pregnancy complication and has to be addressed immediately as it can be life threatening and implications on future pregnancies.

Molar pregnancy

A molar pregnancy is where the placenta and foetus do not form properly and become a growth in the uterus. This means that the baby can not develop. This growth triggers pregnancy symptoms, such as heavy bleeding and should be treated to ensure the growth is removed.

Stillbirth

A baby born not alive after 24 weeks of pregnancy is termed as stillborn. In many cases, the baby is born naturally, and some may require surgery. There is a range of reasons why stillbirths occur, post mortems may indicate the cause of stillbirth. Many hospitals have a bereavement suite allowing parents to have time with their child.

Neonatal Loss

This is a loss during the first 28 days of life, often due to premature birth, low birth weight, infection or a variety of medical reasons.

Whatever type of loss you have experienced, it is the loss of your child. Your hopes and dreams may become shattered and the mental, physical and emotional feelings should not be brushed off.

Be sure to talk through your feelings, ask if you don’t understand anything, rest when you need to, give yourself time to stop and recuperate and heal from trauma. Don’t struggle in silence and understand grief. Take your time. Hold on to hope.

Wishing you all the best in your journey ahead, Amazsage Therapies are always here to offer support, talk and help with your experience.

Walk away

What has just happened? You could be thinking to yourself. Has this really happened to me? To us?

Loosing a baby, could be the most hardest experience to endure. How do we find the strength to overcome this situation? What event did you encounter to experience such a painful part of your life? Did you experience symptoms throughout your pregnancy? Did you notice something unusual about your baby’s movement and act upon it?

Our own experience

In December 2019, my husband and I experienced our very first loss of a long awaited baby. On 30^th December, we delivered our baby born asleep.

Early in December, we had our 12 week scan and we were so excited to see a wiggling baby. It was an early morning scan and we just had breakfast and left home. When we arrived at the hospital, we checked in and handed over our maternity book and waited eagerly to see our bundle of joy. It was such a lovely experience, to see a little heartbeat, baby was eating and placing his hands to mouth and enjoying moving around. This left us feeling happy. The next few days, I encountered a dream whereby my grandma came to visit, smiling and taking the baby out walking on a hill in a red babygrow. Little did I know, that she came to collect the soul of our baby. The next few weeks I would wake up, look in the mirror and could no longer see a growing bump. In my fear, I would talk to my husband and explained how I was feeling and he kept reassuring me that we just saw the baby not long ago, everything could be okay. At this point, I was not experiencing any unusual symptoms and continued with my “everyday duties.

On 28^th December, I was experiencing lower back pain and took rest. We had family round for our usual sunday get together and just as it came to dinner time, I needed to listen to my body and take rest. The next morning 29^th December, I was feeling okay then gradually as the afternoon approached, I experienced abdominal cramping. Discussing with husband, the pain was getting worse and decided to call our midwife and get checked out. We were advised to go to the nearest hospital and await our turn. Sitting in the waiting area, filled with anxiety, and trying to manage the pain, we finally met a sonographer who undertook our scan. She applied the jelly for the ultrasound and looked in deep sorrow. At this point, I could not see the screen but I looked at my husband who was standing at the bottom of the bed and I could see tears of sad emotion. I looked up at the sonographer as she took my hand and said “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Gulping down the news we had just heard, trying to digest, the sonographer requested to get another member of staff to confirm what we just encountered and walked out the room. Tears of grief came flooding out, just wanting to scream, not able to hold in the emotions, whilst holding each other so tightly trying to comfort one another. Another senior member of staff walked in and did another ultrasound, then explained the next protocol. As it was very late into the evening, we were advised to come back the next day and another consultant would do an amniocentesis scan and give us a briefing. As the next day arrived, it was very daunting walking back in through the hospital corridors, knowing that there is a sleeping baby inside and working out how we would be delivering this baby. As we saw the consultant, he wanted to try and extract some amniotic fluid and tissue from the baby and was unsuccessful. After numerous attempts, it was clear that the fluid from the amniotic sac has gradually disappeared, which explains why I could not see my bump growing. Once the consultant finished what he tried to extract, we were advised to follow their next protocol, where they would try to induce you. For this, we needed to go back in the next day. We went home and I suffered with more cramping, abdominal and back pain so contacted the midwife team again. This time, I was requested to go back into hospital. I decided to quickly pack a bag with some essentials and as soon as we were leaving the driveway, I was getting contractions. My body wanted to naturally give birth. Not knowing what I was going through at this stage, I used my hypnobirthing birthing techniques to manage each contraction. As we reached the hospital, we were taken into a side room and before anything could happen, there I was standing at the edge of the bed, giving birth to a baby boy. As soon as he descended, the first thing I said “it’s a boy!” looking at my husband, who had endless tears rolling down. Next it was time to deliver my placenta, which took 50 minutes. When you are approaching 55 minutes and above, there would be a need for intervention. So the team were prepping to take me into theatre. I was adamant not to go, so I communicated with the midwife and asked her if I could try and do this myself. After a few pushes, I was able to extract the placenta. With my body feeling weak and tired, we spent some time alone with the baby, took lots of photos, video called all our loved ones and showed them our baby. This was such a precious moment for us and we hold on to this each day. The most hardest thing was to WALK AWAY….

A few weeks later, we organised our baby boy’s funeral to say our final goodbye. We received a lot of support from our family and friends and raised funds for charities like Sands and Tommy’s.

Please don’t think that you have done something wrong, or karma has come round, try to remove any negative thought that you could be feeling. If you have experienced something similar and would like to talk, I am only a phone call or therapy away.

Baby Loss

I’m Sorry, but there is no heartbeat

Walk away

Walk away

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